Support for dads and birthing partners
Dads and birthing partners can sometimes get a little bit forgotten about, and they can sometimes forget about themselves too.
When a baby is admitted to neonatal care, there’s a lot of focus on mum. She may also be unwell after the birth and receiving care from the midwives.
We know this can be an incredibly difficult time for dads and partners too, yet we find that more mums are reaching out for help. Dads also tell us it feels easier for mums to access support, and that it’s not always clear where to turn for help themselves.
On top of this, there can be pressure to return to work. Some new dads have to take their paternity leave when their baby is on the neonatal unit, or they may have to use up holidays or take unpaid leave. All of this can add to the stress and leave little space to pause and process your own thoughts and feelings.
We’re here to help. Our aim is to make sure dads and birthing partners feel seen, supported and able to access the help they need – because your wellbeing matters too.
Tips from one neonatal dad to another
One of our neonatal dads has some tips and coping strategies for new dads who find themselves navigating a neonatal journey.
- Arriving at NICU is extremely daunting and overwhelming. Take each day as it comes, try not to overwhelm yourself with the bigger picture
- Speak to nurses when you arrive about the day’s plan, to get an update on the current situation and how your baby has been throughout the day/night
- Get involved in as much as you can. This can be daunting at the start, but the nurses will help you. Nappy changes, NG tube feeds, weigh day – don’t be afraid to ask for help. I found this was important to be close to my son
- Try to be present for ward rounds and speak to the consultants in discussing your child’s care and steps forward
- Be your child’s voice throughout their time in hospital – never shy away from asking questions.
- Try and avoid using Google, and take the medical advice of the professionals instead.
- Express your views on your child’s care and any concerns you may have. After all, you know your child better than anyone else, so never be afraid to speak up
- Read to your baby. This gave a sense of normality, and comforted both of us. We also used black and white books, which are amazing for stimulation
- Ask for bonding squares – not just for Mum but for Dad too – so you can keep hold of one and baby can have the other. Swap them each day so baby has your smell
- Containment holding for comfort and when your baby is distressed/unhappy really works. Cuddles and skin-to-skin contact every day were so important for our bond and for our baby to have a change of scenery
- Making sure my wife was comfortable at home each evening when she came back from hospital was really important for me, so she could express, eat and sleep
- Don’t be afraid to cry and open up to people. I’m not one to show my emotions, but this changed on day one of being in NICU. The journey is difficult but if you bottle up your emotions and your thoughts, it can make it harder to be there for your child in the way you’d like to be
A story on one neonatal dad’s experience
The story below was written by one of our neonatal dads, who was deeply affected by his son’s traumatic birth. It really highlights the need for more support for dads in neonatal care.
“My son was born very early at 24 weeks gestation, and in a very traumatic way. He was in a breech position and my wife had a large bleed, leading to our son swallowing a lot of her blood. He was tiny, weighing just 1lb 7oz.
I was completely petrified the day he was born. It was like my worst nightmare but it was real.
Just after my son was born, I listened to the medical team as they connected him to a ventilator, lines and monitors. My wife was unconscious and the midwife was panicking due to the amount of blood she had lost.
Then the beeps from the medical devices connected to my son became weaker and weaker, until they stopped. There must have been a team of 15 medical staff in the room, but there was complete silence.
I was praying so hard, my hands turned white and I remember thinking this just can’t be happening. I’m still haunted by this day now, and the thought that I could have lost my wife and little boy, fills me with a fear that I’ve never felt before.
Despite my son’s very early arrival and having a long list of severe medical issues, he managed to pull through against all odds. We had a long and stressful stay in NICU and he came home on oxygen.
After only a few days at home, he was rushed back into hospital after catching a cold. Our son remained on oxygen for one year, which was challenging for me.
I felt I had a lot of pressure on me. I’m self-employed, so I had to continue working despite what was going on at home and this was hard. We’d agreed the sale on our house and were house hunting when our son was born. I had to take on that responsibility as I didn’t want my wife becoming any more stressed.
Somehow, and I don’t know how, I managed to keep everything running pretty smoothly during the dark days in NICU, but I found that I really struggled once things settled down.
It was like bad weather moved into my mind and stayed there. The weather wasn’t really stormy but it was gloomy and depressing. I felt sad and negative, and a bit alone. The strange thing is that I didn’t realise how bad it had affected me until I came out of it.
I understand now that the symptoms are typical of PTSD, but even though I tried, I couldn’t get any metal health support, and this almost led to my business falling apart. I felt let down by the system.
I did some real soul searching and I opened up to my wife about how I was feeling, and that was the beginning of me admitting it to myself. I had to almost pick everything apart so I could put it all back together again and it was difficult.
I started talking to a few other dads from NICU who I’d kept in touch with and it was a surprise and a relief to find out they felt the same.
It has been a long road for me. We’re a few years on now and I still struggle to think about my boy’s birth, but things have got easier.
If I could give another bloke on NICU some advice it would be to talk – talk to other dads on the unit, especially those who’ve come out the other side of NICU. Reach out for help. It’s out there and it’s getting easier to find.”
Where to go for support
Spoons has a private dads Facebook group where dads can chat to other dads and share their experiences of neonatal care. If you’re a dad who has experienced neonatal care in Greater Manchester, you can request to join the group via this link.
Useful links for neonatal dads:
We alleviate stress and reduce the isolation of families who experience neonatal care
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